Liveblogging E3 2014: Sony Conference

Previously:
EA Conference
Microsoft Conference

Why are you doing this again?
Last one before Nintendo yesssss. I skipped Ubisoft to go mow the lawn. I think I made the right choice. Ubisoft is usually pretty wacky but I get the sense that this time they were just really boring too, just a bunch of movies of games that I don't care about. So yeah whatever. I'm looking around at /v/ and it seems like nothing happened.

Uhh Sony is prolly gonna be a bit better. Some Japanese games at least.

Right now they're showing off the Steambox thing. The host guy is saying "uh huh" and "right" and "okay" waaaaaay too often. Like every other word the guy says. "yeah." "right" "uh huh" "okay" "wow" "right". etc. I think it's also how the audio is mastered, he's really loud and all in the left channel lol.

Okay i'm gonna mute this and listen to music.

Alright here we go... Uhh... Dunno what I'm looking forward to here...

Okay yeah it's starting. Some sort of space game thing. It sounds like Halo. Is this Halo? I was promised Japanese games. The Planet Mars: Present Day. Is this DOOM??? There's a big ball uh okay. This is some 2001 sorta thing. Why did they have guns??? Oh this is Destiny...? uhhh... it's basically Halo, right? Like, in what way is this not Halo? The plot is different. This is Halo for Playstation. Bad guys called "The Darkness", good guy called "the Guardian", everything looks exactly like Halo, I am actually sorta surprised by how little I care about this. He's using magic or something. Like I thought I might be like oooh it's like Halo, Halo was fun, but this just looks stupid af.

Some guy named Andrew House is coming out. I think that's a funny name for some reason. I honestly think this is the last year I'll watch non-Nintendo E3 conferences. I just can't care at all about these games. They show movies that show the most exciting parts of the game and it still looks boring. And then you know that you're gonna spend all your time just hiding behind things and waiting to shoot back.

Oooh white PS4, everyone cheered, why? It's just white...

New game, new IP, starts with a guy with a gun on his back walking slowly. UGsuhwHUYeGs GWYIGeYWHUSHD GDYWUISULHWD HDUWIHSUHSuIUdhhUDHWsh. Spooky game, whatever. i dont wanna get spooked. It just cut from gameplay to cutscene and then first person cutscene. Why. Why. Oh wow zombies, great. I'm shocked. A guy eating another guy. Retreating backwards while shooting a guy multiple times. Another cutscene. Press triangle to not die. Honestly who is excited by this? Who? I honestly have no idea. Shooting him some more while hiding behind a bookcase and then 5 seconds later another cutscene. That looks like the worst game ever. It was The Order something something

Okay now something else. This looks way more interesting already. Looks like Journey and Flow and them. Entwined... his mic isn't turned up lol. This looks like a rhythm action game, like audiosurf or something. a bird and a fish are in love. And you fly through a tunnel and hit things. You control both at once. This looks way more fun than uhh basically anything else I've seen today. That was cute. yay.

WHERE ARE THE JAPANESE GAMES, go home scott whoever. Entwined is out now, yay! Uhh okay cool. Now Infamous... that was the one where you're Railgun, right? DLC... honestly I'd rather them come up with good DLC for games like this than try to make a sequel and not change anything. Uhhh yeah this movie is telling me nothing. Infamous First Light: At least it isn't shooting things.

Little Big Planet 3... uhh sure. Lots of people cheering. That game always looked really floaty and uninteresting cause of that... like, physics based platforming seems like whatever. There's more physics thing. You can play as a dog, the dog can walljump and run faster. The dog seems fun. And there's a fat guy. This is pretty cute, sure. And a bird. I dunno. Physics-based stuff is not very precise, and not that fast... which are the two things I want in platformers... so I dunno. This is still confirmed: a video game. These people are all really bad for it which I guess adds to the feeling of it being really floaty and vague. It's pretty cute looking. The stuff people do in it is pretty impressive I guess but not that much so compared to a lot of other "make stuff" type games... so it's like that + charm.

okay yeah a Japanese guy hell yes show me some Japanese video games. don't talk about western platformers man you're above that. WHOLE FAMILY FUN, BINGO. Completely new IP... from uhh... which developer... oh wait... what's it gonna beeeee... some Dark Souls ish... is this Project Beast? Welcome to REAL VIDEO GAME TIME, VIDEO GAMES, FROM JAPAN, INVOLVING SKILLFULLY PRESSING BUTTONS. this is... i mean so far it isn't much of a game lol. Still looks disturbing. Ugh yeah so gory. I mean I'm not really into Demons Souls Dark Souls etc not my cup of tea. Bloodborne. Hmm yeah. Well, they're good at what they do. Those are some good games as far as I can tell. It's just not what I'm in to.  A BIG MOMSTER WAS BEHIND HIM!

now Farcry 4, back to western shooting things. WEAPONIZED ANIMALS? Okay so yeah the only thing that makes me interested in graphical fidelity is making really beautiful looking areas... and I think the original Crysis still might be the best for that? lol... i dunno. This looks pretty nice, I guess. but i want a game where it's like this and you don't have to shoot people and you have more freedom with movement. And I don't mean just "press square for grapple cutscene" like this. I bet this is way more linear than it looks, too, and it looks pretty linear. Did he just instantly kill a guy by shooting him in the butt with an arrow? Hold square to interact, make your own exploding barrels. Arrow too slow better take out a gun and just kill everyone. Now driving, that actually is sometimes fun. Press X to murder two people. Okay the wingsuit is pretty cool but I get the sense that you can only use it when they want you to. Yeah like this feels mostly like a cutscene lol. An ELEPHANT. now kill more people while your friend drives a helicopter. So much killing. What if I don't identify with homicidally sociopathic amoral remorseless killing machines? Where are the video games for me? Better get behind cover for a bit to kill the enemies. haha the elephant fucked up the jeep okay that was cool. FORTRESS LIBERATED... but like... you just landed there. Why did you do that? Okay whatever.

huh so if you have the game and your friends don't, you can still play online co-op. that's pretty cool. They mentioned NeoGAF and people cheered lmao. SonyGAF. and reddit. lol. Looking at letters people sent in. "A common theme was zombies" well, those people can get bent. I hope I never have to engage in a zombie related piece of media again besides trailer-type situations. This trailer cannot be indicative of the gameplay at all, so it is useless to me. Ewww... this is just gross. Who still is saying "man I neeeed a new zombie game". What the hell is this? Oh, Dead Island 2, isn't that the one where the first one was all like, emotional and stuff in the trailer? And then terrible in actuality (of course) lol. Uhhh The Last of Us has a DLC thing in Diablo... uhh... who cares.

I cannot get over them trying to get people excited for zombies. It honestly disgusts me. And now more of the Battlefield trailer. I don't caaaaaaare. Anyways more about the zombies... A few years ago I think zombie culture started to really disgust me and freak me out and make me think that everyone was allowing these awful apocalypse fantasies to fester in their brains... but now I'm like, sick of that, I'm just so apathetic, the whole idea doesn't even exist to me anymore.

Disney Infinity... they're really pingponging around here with the genres. And back to Destiny... uhh... Whatever.

Paradox Interactive... I dunno who they are. User created open world... oh it's a joke. A parody. Ahh, Magika, I played some of this. This was a video game. This is pretty cute. More companies need to mix up their trailers just a little bit. Like, since you're already not gonna show the game at all, you might as well show some other stuff. Magicka 2, yeah okay. Cute, fun. It cut to the audience and one dude looked really bored.

haha really fake letter joke thing... Tim Schafer... this is sorta fun at least. Remastering Grim Fandango, okay yeah that's sick, that game is awesome, I love that game. Good stuff Sony. Uhhhhhhhhh the letter on the screen says "these games are even crazier than Xanax" uhhhhhhh Xanax isn't "crazy"??? What does that mean?

Revolver, I dunno what they make. Broforce, I saw that one, looks pretty fun. Titan Souls, I dunno that one but it looks okay. Not a Hero, looks fun, you move really quickly. Hotline Miami 2, that game was pretty sweet. Okay sure those are all good games. I have no idea what this one is. It looks like uhh a puzzle game. Like portal or something. Philosophical puzzle game. Talos or something hmmmmmm, could be interesting.

Suda 51, hell yeah. Japanese games up in here. This looks so grim and realistic... Just really brutal killing... uh hmmm. Let It Die, hmmm...

Giant Squid, never heard of this studio... some more artsy stuff I suppose. Underwater game okay yeah that could be fun... seems like a lot of untapped areas. This also looks like Journey etc lol they're ripping them off, everyone is now lol. And then a big robot? Sharks? what is the gameplay here?? this looks pretty sweet i could be easily sold at this point. wow yeah lots of pretty things. hmmm... Abzu, looks pretty nice, really... but I have no idea what the gameplay is lol.

Wait, is it over? This is the last game? AND IT'S MORE FIRST PERSON SHOOTING? wait, huh? it looks weird at least. it's like a finding new things game or something. the ammo meter sorta disturbs me though. if it was just wandering around looking at stuff... uhh... that'd be sick. or FLYING AROUND looking at things? if it wasn't for the ammo thing i'd be hype as shit right now. ohhh this is the game that's all procedurally generated? like, infinite worlds and stuff? okay now you're fighting but at least it's space fights with ships, that's more fun. and then you can just go land on a different planet, that's pretty slick. this has potential, I suppose. assuming this is all actual gameplay. Maybe I'm being naive. oh no it's freezing a bit. No Man's Sky, okay yeah I've heard of this one. Procedurally generated worlds and stuff, okay, sure. Hard sci-fi game. Sci-fi makes sense in games I think. it seems like a pretty cool concept. actually discovering planets, like, a Minecraft sorta thing. now they're showing off the diversity of the planets etc. pretty cool. see this is something more games need to do, let them create their own content and stuff. games are better than most people at it now lol.

Oh maybe that was just the last indie game thing. Or maybe that's really it 'cause Andrew House is back. AndyHouse. They brought up the camera and I can hear a lot of laughing lol. Even Microsoft didn't bother with the kindle OHHH it's the VR thing. Okay yeah that's hype. WAIFU AGE INCOMING. Not Zuckerman ed. They're gonna have a demo, sure. VIB RIBBON!!>!>!>! what the fuck?!??! i never imagined I'd see that lol. I have no idea why they really briefly showed that.

Shawn Layden, iirc everyone hated this guy for some reason for awhile? Or like, he was a big deal or a meme or something? I dunno. I can't remember my video game history and that sort of makes me happy because video games are so terrible lol.

Uhh he's talking about some PSN features and stuff, and I don't really care... he said 95% of PS4s are online and I felt like that was low lol but someone hooted. hey where's the japanese games?? Oh Youtube integration, that's pretty slick. That's actually really smooth yeah. Also you can just stream yourself to other PS4s or something, that's not bad. ummmmm you can yell at the streamer while spectating??? And they'll hear you? huhhhhhh? wait... is this good? How is this good? I don't understand.

The play room... wasn't everyone just making amateur porn with that? man i dunno. I just such a bizarre slice of use cases since I only hear about this stuff on /v/. "Free to Play", isn't that like... a really disparaged term now?

He mentioned some games but I don't think I've heard of any of them. Uhh we're getting to a critical mass of not video games. And then there's just old games that are free or something. Or maybe even new games but it's like WOW THEY'RE FREE? who cares that they're free??/ a lot of them look pretty bad tbh. Or at least I don't care about most of them? but they do actually all look like video games I think, so that's really good. I guess the idea is "if you buy a PS4, you can play all of these for free", so that's like, appealing...

PlayStation Now... I don't even know what that is. Seems bad that it's called PSN and there's already PSN the PlayStation Network or something. Even on TV?? Wait, what is this? Is it like a streaming thing? Like uhh OnLive or whatever? Wasn't that like, debunked? Lol. I really have no desire to play a game via streaming. It's like single player Twitch Plays Pokemon or whatever. Everyone cheered that you can play Street Fighter via stream. Like, either me or the audience is being really stupid about this, there must be something I don't get, that sounds like the worst thing ever.

Ughuuuuuugghhhhhhhh all of this is just "those games that are already out that you don't want to play, now you can play them on other systems you don't own"... well, whatever. Another new console?? Unprecedented excitement? I didn't even hear about this I think?

Playstation TV? what is this? Ummmm... wait, what is this? I have no idea what this does. Like, I have absolutely no idea what this does, lol. It plugs into the PS4 and the TV, but those... already plug in to each other? It's a hundred dollars but what does it dooo. Someone should tell me what it doeeesss. Like with a diagram with the wires and an arrow that says "new games here because of _____" or something. Whatever.

Seems like he's winding up... this whole segment was really lame. VIB RIBBON! WHAT? NEVERMIND!?!? HUH?? that didn't even come out in North America lmao. uhhhh are they making a new Vib Ribbon? Why are they talking about this again? This is so bizarre. Talking about localizing Mortal Kombat into Japan haha like Japan has ever once cared about Mortal Kombat. Now it's Mortal Kombat X, uhhh, man... who plays these games. where were the Japanese games? haha he just threw a dude from out the water, why? ewww it showed his bones and stuff. stop doing that. What's the point? Ugh this is so gross.

Okay whatever. It's a video game but it's just a lamer, grosser, less video game version of other actual games. Man he's talking about watching TV on video games. WHO CARES lol. well i guess investors and stuff that are here lol. lol Community is on the big screen. Exclusive TV shows, what, does that even make sense? Powers... this literally is not even close to a video game. This isn't even pretending lol. Is this really what they're going to end with? An interview with some TV man about a TV show? Who's gonna buy a PS4 to watch a TV show?

Super hero mystery show... wow I can't even care a little. I'm just thinking "Nintendo, Nintendo" at this point. We're sub 24 hours. Nintendo isn't funding some bullshit show about "what if superheros were 4 real"... Sony is really stumbling at this point. He's naming all these staff people who I have never heard of. I can't imagine anyone is hyped up and excited at the moment. Maybe the Microsoft fans on /v/ lol. Oh boy concept art. GRITTY CRIME FICTION, SPECTACULAR SUPERHEROS, I don't care, I am so uninterested and so sure of everyone else's uninterest that I'm really starting to feel bad for this guy lol. That doesn't take long for me I guess lol.

PlayStation Plus subscription service... Come on, man. At least when they used to try to do this stuff they'd bring out celebrities and comedians and it would be really lame and cringeworthy but it was way more interesting at least.

Now they're straight up taking video games and making movies out of them. Well, they were practically movies already, so... this could be good, maybe. But they can't compete with Pixar and Dreamworks or whatever I figure? Seems silly. Ratchet and Clank movie? Uhh well, whatever. Come on hurry up I want to go to bed. Oh boy The Last of Us. A game that was lauded for it's realism has been made more realistic. And wow I want to play it even less, if anything. What is fun about walking around slowly and having to kill stuff? This still looks bad lol. Whenever they try to draw attention to the graphics I just look at the hair and it looks terrible, always.

KOJIMA. KONAMI. OKAY. REAL GAME. MGS 5. trailer already leaked lol but I didn't watch it. OKAY HERE WE GO. if you're gonna walk around shooting stuff and hiding you might as well have a crazy ass plot, tons of things to do, crazy characters, bizarre morality, actual intensity... you might as well actually make a game out of it. like to be honest i'm not that excited to play this game, i prolly won't play it for a long long time cause no way I'm buying a PS4 for a long time. but these are exciting games to have exist and to find out about and stuff. woah the eyepatch from big boss's ashes i guess? these games actually try to exploit the unique cinematographic properties of video games. this looks sweet. even though there was no gameplay... uhh.. i dunno. maybe i'll just be hypocritical about this one cause like okay that looks sweet, but only really because i know how MGS works.

What's this? It uhh... Grand Theft Auto? I think so? yeah. but wait that's already out... uhh... whatever. these PS3 to PS4 upgrade things, I can barely tell the difference.

this is going so over time... come on man... wrap it up...

Rocksteady? They did uhh can't remember. oh, batman. where is japanese games??? wow actual gameplay??? these batman games seem like they could be pretty fun tbh. like, this looks fun, flying around and stuff. and then you drive your car. nd then your car turns into a gun thing. Batman's secretary tells batman the tanks are robots so he'll kill them HA HA TRICKED YA THEY HAD PEOPLE IN THEM AND NOW THEY'RE DEAD LOL. wow he popped out of his car and went flying that looked pretty fun. AHH, IT'S BATMAN! wait he just blew up some tanks and now he's punching guys, i dunno whats going on. I dunno why this seems more fun than AssCreed, maybe it doesn't really. Uhhhhhh... what the heck? some sort of glitchy effect... sure... wait wasn't the last Batman game a failure or something? I dunno who this spookity skellington dude is. Batman Arkham Knight, okay sure. People seem pretty excited. WAS THERE JUST FLAMES ON THE STAGE? huhhhhhh??? This guys accent said "Batmn" like how Colbert said "Birdmn" on Harvey Birdman. LOL.

uhh my stream just cut ahead or something, straight into a trailer. Naughty Dog logo comes up and everyone cheers. Some dead guy, is this the Uncharted guy? Stream is lagging, lol. oh yeah I think it is. Uncharted 2 ruined video games. Cinematic experiences where a bunch of stuff happens and you barely play a video game. Plus you kill like fifty thousand people for basically no reason. I dunno. I just don't get it. Uncharted 4, people seem pretty excited. Okay yes it finally seems over thank you. haha just like a 1 second clip of Kingdom Hearts III. lol what a teaser. Blah blah blah, so much shooting.

Okay there were some real video games there. Also a lot of not video games, I dunno. Lots of stuff. Some of it I liked, most of it I didn't. It went on too long and now I'm tired and my wrists hurt. Okay that's it. Goodnight. Nintendo tomorrow, to reward us for suffering through these.